


A Sinner Like Me

by Painmin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), ? - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - War, Banter, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual eruri(i hope), Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Iraq War, Levi is a Little Shit (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Priest Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Religion, Slow Burn, Soldier Erwin Smith, gay priest levi, writing is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27244222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painmin/pseuds/Painmin
Summary: Erwin is disillusioned after being a Sergeant in the Iraq War. The guilt becomes too much as he seeks something, anything but in the meantime he gets some solace in priest Levi who also isn’t as picture perfect as one might think.UPDATE: added a chapter
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Kudos: 18





	1. The path I set upon

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings!:
> 
> Islamophobia  
> PTSD  
> War stuff  
> Terrorism  
> Expletive language
> 
> *P.S don’t know much about the US military but i do know the iraq war was criminal and people should be in jail for it

It didn’t take much time after the war for the illusions to shatter and the parade of lies to be blown to bits. No weapons of mass destruction located, the looming threat of terrorism a fraud. The fervent passion a 28 year old Erwin once had for fighting against a foe that was trying to decimate their freedoms was a non issue, completely blown out of proportion. To advance the ‘war on terror’ they said. A flimsy, immoral excuse to invade a _sovereign_ nation. As the years go by Erwin finds the more painfully clearer that gets.

Sgt. Erwin Smith, once an esteemed US army soldier and a veteran. Proud American, born and bred. Blonde hair and blue eyed, a feast for the eyes as he’d been told by men and women alike. One of many to oversee the war in Iraq but unfortunately, one of few who remains tormented by the guilt of seeing his fellow brothers and sisters lay down their lives based on what was quite frankly, a charade. Innocent Iraqi women, men, children were dead. If only he could’ve seen the fraudulent nature of the endeavour then, before it became too late for his own soul.

He really should’ve noticed it while giving out his commands, the hollowness of it with every word that came out his mouth. That nagging feeling in his gut, a small voice in his head that whispered loudly that these efforts led to nothing and instead would leave a trail of needless bloodshed turned out to be in fact, correct. He was intelligent but perhaps not as much he thought himself to be.

The year was 2004, yet they were still in Iraq. And for what, really? Erwin wouldn’t allow himself to be classed as a deserter. So, in a sorry bid to set back the blood in his ledger he decided on somewhat of a whim to save as many civilians as possible on that dreaded day. That’s not to say with each passing day in the disastrous war it was difficult to not view each one as more wretched than the last. The 5-week period in the year 2003, the ending of March all through April in particular drew the curtains back and laid to bare the inhumane tactics of the military, Erwin got to see the reveal in a first row seat.

Operation: ‘sundowning’  
A plaza that allegedly was a safe haven for al qaeda. Erwin positioned up on a rooftop, it had been hours. He lay on his stomach in his beige khakis blending in with the yellowish skyline, hair ruffled with the dust from the skeleton of the building, from all the bombing no doubt. Sweat laced in the golden strands along with the desert sand that lifted from the ground suspended in air as a result of the breeze that cracked his lips. The scorching sun transmitting it’s rays on his back and the added humidity almost unbearable. Each lick of his lips left a trace of salt and grains of sand in his mouth. It was him and two others on the rooftop, Oluo and his good friend Mike. They all took the same positions, each with binoculars in hand peering into the plaza to pinpoint ‘suspicious behaviour’. That suspicious behaviour being if you’re Muslim, you’re a target.

During the briefing much earlier, Erwin and his team were informed that the odds of al qaeda being present was a whopping 97%. More assured than any other mission they had so far, with a damning catch, that being a large civilian casualty. This was a given as the terrorist organisation had chosen to seek refuge in a shopping centre, to hide in plain sight which of course was certainly effective for them to have gone on so long, until it wasn’t. This civilian casualty seemed to have moved the gears in Erwins head, alarm bells ringing: ‘we can not be doing the right thing here anymore.’

Erwin peered through his binoculars from well above and clandestinely looking down at the devastatingly simple but sleek shopping centre. Constructed of sturdy bricks painted over with a pale turquoise colour. The large windows of the building showed the wide walkways as shoppers flitted up and about. Cars were parked outside as people trickled in and out the two-storey plaza slamming their car doors shut behind them as they head to only God knows where, probably home. It wasn’t large but it had a variety of stores that could surprisingly all fit in the compact yet spacious building. A gold souq, carrefour, H&M, to name a few of the stores it had advertised on the side of the building which were also selling items at discounted prices as the plaza was going out of business soon but it was evidently a beacon to the people even amidst the near ruinous city of Majd. 

‘Sergeant. Any orders?’

Shaken out of his concentration by the interruption. Erwin felt his resolve strengthening and turned to the soldier to respond. ‘I don’t know Oluo, have you spotted any suspicious behaviour as per stated in the dossier?’

‘Shit. I mean, there’s a bunch of muzzies out there, ‘course there’s gon be suspicious behaviour.’ On the last word he made sure to elongate the ‘R’ playing up his native thick southern accent with a twirl of his index finger with his free hand presumably for dramatic effect.

Erwin ever bothered by the ignoramus and his antics simply reprimanded him with a ‘be professional.’ Glancing at Oluo with the meanest stink eye he could give and going largely unnoticed. ‘If you really think that way then you shouldn’t be out here at all.’

‘Hmph. Whatever. I ain’t spotted jack-shit mister sergeant.’

‘Well then,’ Erwin was relieved by this and tried his best not to let the emotion show. ‘We should report our findings which is no suspicious behaviour.’

‘Bull!’ Oluo yelled and snapped his neck in the direction of the sergeant. ‘I might have a terrible attention span but I know for a fact that WE were told those bastards are definitely in there. Suspicious or no.’

‘Are you really going to challenge your superior officer? Right now?’

A brief pause had solidified the tension between the two men when Oluo finally said without an ounce of remorse. ‘Sorry, Smith sir. ‘Course not.’ His voice dripped in smugness Erwin wasn’t sure where it came from because in Oluo’s case there really was nothing to be smug about.

‘Good. I’m telling the general we found nothing.’ Erwin knew that this would make no difference. He knew it, Oluo knew it. This operation was happening one way or another, what he was doing though, is stalling. More time bought as the evening approached saw the amount of people around the plaza dwindle slowly but surely, not to the point there was no one but just so that fewer people would be caught in a possible crossfire.

Erwin relayed the information onto General Zeke Yeager via radio telecommunication and was told exactly what he expected. The presence of himself and half his squad on that rooftop was just ‘protocol, kiddo.’ In other words they didn’t need to be on that roof as the operation was taking place no matter what, much to Erwin’s dismay. Even after a year Erwin found himself still stupefied by the sheer callousness they manage to conjure. These rules and ‘protocols’ being used as scapegoats, set in place perhaps so there would be no concrete grounds to throw powerful people in jail. To maintain the veneer of the the war as a matter of agree to disagree as if it weren’t a downright calamity. So as to say, ‘but we followed the rules!’ All in bad faith is what Erwin could think.

‘I fuckin knew it...’ Oluo seemed to have muttered to himself.

‘So what now, sir?’ The taller, broad shouldered soldier broke his silence. Positioned on Oluo’s right hand side.

Erwin had been thinking of strategy, he hadn’t stopped thinking full stop since that briefing. All his choices have led him to this point. Joining the military at the age of 22, rising up the ranks pretty quickly and on track to becoming lieutenant he so desired. Every month he had spent out here chipped away at such a fantasy, becoming accustomed to what this all really was. The realisation was slow, almost painful but the truth is none of this fighting was for freedom if it could be even called fighting. They were being programmed as killers from the beginning, the weakest succumbing to the ideal. Devaluing the lives of ordinary citizens all for the sake of scoring some al qaeda heads? Not anymore. He thought at least, not for him.

‘I will go to the plaza. Oluo, Mike, you stay here and keep look out.’ Oluo let out a grunt in acknowledgement.

‘I’m coming with, no way everyone’s favourite sergeant - bar Oluo, is going in there alone.’ Mike interjected looking above Oluo’s head to meet Erwin’s eyes.

Erwin found his eyes too looking directly with a firmness but also a vulnerability he could only show those he trusted. ‘That’s an order Mike. I can only ask that you all have faith in me once more.’

Erwin propped himself up from the ground and made way to what remained of the stairwell heading for the plaza. Before Oluo asked with a penetrating curiosity, ‘And why are YOU going?’

Mike continued looking through his own binoculars doing everything in his power to erase the soldier’s shrill voice from irritating him. Erwin turned back with his head slumped sideways in frustration to say ‘For once, do not question my orders.’ And with a slight venom in his words he added ‘From what I recall it’s never done you much good, Oluo.’ Erwin could see the man was shaken by that, he could see the soldier’s temple move gritting his teeth down at the gratuitous reminder. Oluo kept very quiet after that.

Erwin proceeded down the stairwell and out the building, slinging his M14 rifle across his shoulder. A walk to the plaza from where they were was approximately 1000 feet. There was no time to have a nice stroll or to bask in his surroundings. In the desert with his dusty black boots and khakis he still stuck out like a sore thumb. His disillusionment growing stronger and rage withstanding at the whole ordeal. So many years he dedicated to the military amounted to absolute fuckery. To live without regrets now was virtually impossible but before he could plunge into deeper thought and downright pathetic self pity he would try to right a wrong.


	2. In Al Majd mall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down in the plaza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings!:
> 
> More war stuff

Stood in front of the main plaza his periphery became hazy. He walked through the automatic glass doors greeted by air conditioner, the sweat on his hairline quickly drying up. The inside was typical like the malls back home. He moved his legs as if on autopilot. Eyes were on him, he could feel it and he was certainly used to it. To them he was another invader and understandably so. People like him didn’t even try to hide who they were because of the imbalance in power, the audacity of the American empire disrespecting other nations every time they possibly could.

What he was looking for was a place to announce that this mall was soon to be under attack, quickly looking left then right as he walked further into the plaza. It was virtually hopeless. This wasn’t his terrain and he’d have to ask someone promptly when he heard a feminine voice. ‘Lost, Americana?’

He looked around to find the source when the person waved, ‘I’m here soldier.’ There they were sat in the centre of the plaza on a bench. His mind was racing, this is al qaeda’s territory. The person calling him could easily be a trap, a plant. But his legs dragged him in their direction anyway. As he got closer he could see they were quite young donning a flower print hijab, casually investigating their nails. Al qaeda used children as bait fairly often and this could easily be that except Erwin found himself not feeling wary of the girl, strangely calming down. It was then he chose to trust his intuition.

‘As-salamualaykum. Indeed, I am a bit lost.’ 

‘Well, what do you want?’

Fuck, how far did this kid’s english go? Anyhow, Erwin answered using his hands to gesture along with his words to make sure she gets it. ‘I need microphone, to make a loud announcement.’ He tried his best to get across the idea of speakers, pointing his hand from one end of the mall to another. The girl followed his movements. ‘Everyone needs to hear it.’

She stared at him for a few seconds and just burst into laughter. ‘You’re not serious!’ And kept laughing, barely containing it.

Erwin hoped he hadn’t insulted her, by her abrupt laughter she probably knows more english than Erwin anticipated.

‘I’m gravely serious.’ He brought his volume down to address her directly. ‘You all need to leave this plaza. Our army is about to bomb this place because al qaeda is here.’

Averting her eyes to look straight in front of her. It was a small fast food restaurant, people in pairs talking to each other while munching on burgers. Erwin could swear her skin immediately went pale. He despised this. He desperately wanted to bring that fleeting joy back to the child. She looked back at him providing directions to the announcement room. Often used when a kid went missing and a parent frantically searched for them she explaine, also for situations like this should it arise.

Erwin extended his hand, hoping the girl would take it. And she shook them in turn before parting ways he said ‘shukran.’ Putting her palm flat on her chest she nodded in reply. Erwin went on the route he’d been given when he glanced back to see the girl also running towards him. On his side now she simply said ‘you’re going to need someone to translate your shitty arabic. I’ll help.’

She was absolutely right. Erwin could only string a few loose words together. Like emergency and hurry, getting the gist of what he’s trying to say across. How would he say ‘you all need to evacuate from the back’ though? His squad could not foil this makeshift plan, this was it. He needed her for this to be executed well enough.

They reached the announcement box still on the first floor. It was a compartment box made of glass, and blindingly lit. The table was in the middle and a voice booming device placed on top. He lunged to the device ensuring it was on as he proceeded. ‘As-salamualaykum. This is Sgt. Erwin Smith of the US army. I must make the announcement that this plaza will be under attack.’ Almost instantaneously he heard the sounds of panic. From the corner of his eye he could see people rushing, families, couples, people who came on their own to enjoy the mall. Their faces were distraught but determined as they tried to leave. Erwin quickly told the girl to translate ‘Do not go through main entrance. Leave from the back.’ At that point, faces he recognised before that passed went in the opposite direction. A fire alarm had been set not by him or her.

The girl took the initiative to follow the crowd, before parting from Erwin she gave him a soldier’s salute. Erwin smiled and said ‘shukran. فظك الل. Now go!’ Before he could finish she dashed out.

Erwin could see some stragglers in the mall after leaving the announcement box as he was about to motion them to leave a hand cupped his mouth viciously and almost broke his nose, he could see his own blood dribble over the person’s hairy hand. His voice muffled when someone in a jalabiyya came into his view.

‘We’re taking you with us soldi-‘ Erwin kicked him in the nuts. Subsequently, the man doubled over in pain grabbing at his own ballsack and face flooded red. The person restraining him slit his neck with a knife unsuccessfully. Erwin took his elbow to hit wherever on the person’s body just before the first drop of a bomb landed in the centre of the plaza creating a heavy draft. The other man held onto where his liver was dealt a blow as he tried to run away when in quick succession another bomb landed in the man’s path that sent him flying backwards his head hitting against what was left of the ground with great impact. The rubble was piling up, ashes floating about. Erwin could taste the metallic in the air accompanied by the crying in pain of the few that remained in the plaza. He didn’t run, he didn’t try to. Just walked, walking on top of the rubble as much as he could. If this is where he would die, then he had already made his peace with it. No arguments made. 

And another bomb landed, the rubble raining down.

-

Darkness. Nothing.

Until he could hear the sobbing of a child. The rubble was all around luckily not having crushed his own vitals. But his arm stung, really bad. Gritting his teeth in pain he tried to open his eyes to look ahead where he found the child sobbing as he stared back at him, frightened with his knees drawn to his chest. He couldn’t be more than 6 years old yet he looked like he’d seen every harsh aspect of the world. Erwin used all his power to lift the rubble that was pushing his legs into the ground. This was when he decided to then run as soon as he got it off him, a dull pain shooting through his legs in doing so. He joined the kid underneath the miraculously formed rubble that created a roof above them.

Pulling him close to his chest with the arm that still responded to his brain signals, he picked him up. Quickly they made their way out where the crack of light still formed in the ruins of the plaza. They were out and the sun was on its way down, half concealed by the shell of a building in the city. He placed the kid on his feet while his own legs gave out and his vision returned to that abyss. 

Erwin!

Erwin!

Someone then slapped him. ‘Erwin! Your arm is bleeding profusely. I’m going to have to amputate it and I need you to stay with me!’ The voice said. They were in a vehicle of some kind when they hit a bump in the road. He clenched his jaw, bearing his teeth in agony. His eyes opened wide and Dr Hange was right in front of his face.

‘Erwin you’re alive! I’m going to administer this anaesthetic into your system via that arm off yours. It has to go otherwise you’ll waste away by some other secondary infection.’ Hange said. Erwin wasn’t in the position to say otherwise, his strength thoroughly depleted. He realised Mike was there too looking up at his face, stroking the strands of Erwin’s hair away from his forehead. His head in Mike’s lap.

‘You’re a traitor now, Erwin.’ Mike said as he kept stroking Erwin’s hair. Erwin closed his eyes at the words that came out the man’s mouth. Slipping in and out of consciousness he let Dr Hange do what they had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW  
> shukran - means ‘thank you’  
> فظك الل - means ‘may Allah be with you’


	3. WAKE UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rude awakening for Erwin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings!:
> 
> Dissociation

With a sudden violent jolt out of sleep Erwin’s eyes snapped open, gasping for as much air he could to fill his lungs. His breath was shallow and heart rate speeding, each beat was as if his heart would just sink to a pit rendering him dead. Skipping beats, an utterly unpleasant experience every time it occurred. He laid on his back in bed and shuddered at the sensation of his wet shirt stuck to him, another episode. Fuck sake, he wasn’t supposed to lie on his back ever because this was precisely what would happen. It was a trigger he’d noted.

After spending a few minutes trying to get his breathing back to baseline he braced his feet to the floor as he sat up on the side of the bed, wriggling his toes against the plush carpet beneath him and placed his head in his hand along with his checkered quilt, rubbing his eyes to fix the shapes in the dim room.

‘Jesus Christ... End it. Please...’

Erwin was doing well a year after his discharge. Upon completing his physics degree at the age of 21. Now 34 naturally, he pursued a career as a physics teacher enriching others with knowledge of the world. Working to gain his teaching credential simultaneously earning humble cash on the side as a worker in his father’s care home. Finally, he was a functional person. Injecting himself back into average society even after the appalling nature of war he bear witness to. The PTSD was still there though, forever in the background but by far more manageable then as he actually attended therapy along with taking his medication. His cruel inquisitiveness however, could not stop him from looking at subjects on the Iraq War. Reading articles and conspiracies inevitably caused a downward spiral. As much as he tried to remove himself from the memories of that time and the guilt, they all came back at once.

Erwin presently does not work anymore, he’s taken a break from attaining his teaching credential for how long, he does not know. He’s given up on therapy but he takes his medication still. If not for the fact that he had his father’s inheritance for basic sustenance he would absolutely be a goner.

Shaking himself out of his idleness, he knelt at his bed and prayed. Prayed for a sign. Oddly enough, he didn’t consider himself a very spiritual person although he was born catholic, yet this is what he would do. He derived comfort in praying to something, maybe it was the ritual itself that soothed him. A faint reminder that he was still a human looking for answers. Erwin didn’t feel strongly about religion or even really believe in a God but he certainly understood the need to have faith, to seek forgiveness and to repent. Erwin took a peek out his eye at the digital clock on his bedside table. 4 am it was, still pretty dark outside. He slipped his shirt off and threw it in the laundry basket at the corner of his studio apartment. Filled to the brim no less, he ought to wash those clothes very soon but instead he walked across from the bedroom to the living area, and fell to his couch, limbs dragging him downwards. Erwin hasn’t had a decent sleep in 5 weeks and it wasn’t coming to him now. But he shut his eyes when an absurd thought popped in his head.

Maybe he should visit a priest and confess his sins. He was already at a rock bottom and no harm could be done. Yes, that is what he’s going to do.

Erwin opened his eyes, squinting as the morning sunlight found its way through the slits of the window blinds opposite him and bathed his apartment in a warm sheen. He grabbed his laptop from the table at the centre between the couch and TV. Turning the laptop on and began his search: confessionals in The Bronx.

The first result was a 15 minute walk from his place. New York city was fairly littered with confessionals, if a city could have a signature characteristic New York’s would be just catholicism. He put his laptop back where he found it and entered his kitchen to snack on the first thing he could lay his eyes on, an apple. Recently his appetite had been almost non existent and rather consumed by flashbacks, flooded by unwanted emotions he had long since believed were shed.

He brushed his teeth while showering. Doing things were much harder now with the one arm. As little as 2 years ago was he able to brush his teeth and scrub the gunk off his body all at the same time. Now, he had to take turns.

Stepping out the shower he reached for the towel on the rack to wrap around his lower body before leaving. Then he stopped. Looking at his reflection in the mirror above the sink to his left and stared at the man with a light stubble, his undercut was slightly overgrown. A disorientation overtook his mind and entire being.

Unrecognisable. Who was he? Was he real? He tried to look at both his hands only to find one arm attached to the body and the other was a stump.

‘Erwin. Erwin. Er-win...’ Repeating the name several times in differing inflections and each time it felt strange. That was his name apparently. In that moment he lived in unreality. What on earth was he about to do........

It was a couple of minutes until he opened the bathroom door to leave as the dissociation thawed away to get himself dressed. It was 10 in the morning on a Friday. Maneuvering his chinos on and struggling while sat in bed. He then wore his black turtleneck and headed towards his apartment door. Slipping into some shoes and added a peacoat to the outfit. He left the apartment and locked the door behind him.


	4. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope y’all enjoy :)

Erwin reached his destination. Maria’s Church, also a multifaith centre of some sort as said on the board outside it. It was a quaint, humble thing in a residential neighbourhood close enough to the hustle and bustle of the highstreet. The board had a written greeting in chalk ‘welcome :)’. The church wasn’t large at all but it’s entrance was a grand arch.From where he was he could see the inside, 2 columns of pews on each side that left a blue carpet pathway in the middle. The muffled voice of who he could presume was the priest perhaps delivering a sermon utilising a microphone. He went closer and could see 2 of the 10 rows were occupied by observers. No one seemed to have noticed him, all focused on the sermon and eyes fixed on the priest.

Immediately his height stood out, he was very short. He wore a clergyman top and well fitted jeans narrating a sentence from what must’ve been the bible off the top of his head, impressive. Erwin took a seat in the third row when the priest’s eyes landed on him for a second more or less before redirecting it to another member of the audience whipping his ebony bangs away. He had a therapeutic voice, a level of calmness that betrayed his general sharp features.

Before Erwin even realised he hadn’t been paying attention to the sermon itself the gatherers made a B-line out the doors, bumping into each other on the way. Taking a quick glance at their faces when it all clicked that they were young. He would say the same of the priest if it weren’t for the fact that priests were at minimum 25. He got up from the pew to inquire about doing a confessional, accidentally eavesdropping on a conversation between the priest and a churchgoer.

‘Wow. So this church offers AA meetings. That’s awesome!’

‘It is. It might be named Maria’s church but it’s just a centre with a variety of services.’

‘Ohhh. But I’ll for sure be attending an AA meeting.’ the young man took his hands to do the the sign of the cross. ‘Jesus knows I need the help.’

‘Don’t use that gesture in vain, especially in my presence kid. And, we all do. Now, do me a favour and get the fuck out of here’ the other man chuckled then walked towards the exit. Meanhile Erwin took a few more steps forward to talk to the priest who also opened his mouth to speak when the other man yelled halfway across the room. ‘Thanks priest Levi!’ The priest couldn’t hold back from rolling his eyes at the impudent young man.

Shooting his eyes back to Erwin he then asked ‘so, what troubles you mister?’

Stood on the stage with the priest trying to find the right words. What troubled him? For a second there he felt his mind swamp. He hadn’t been to therapy in a long time, although this wasn’t that at all it still reminded him of it. Quickly recollecting his thoughts he offered up, ‘I’m here to do a confessional.’

The priest evaluated him carefully. Was there something on his face? The small man let out a scarce chuckle.

‘Sorry. We just haven’t done those in a while. I wasn’t laughing at you, necessarily.’

In actuality it was barely a laugh, more like a wheeze. Ignoring the latter statement he said, ‘really? Can never trust what’s on the internet I guess.’

‘No, you can’t.’ There was a short awkward pause then he continued, ‘but what I mean is we haven’t done those in a while, not that we don’t offer it.’

‘That’s good news then. This was the closest place to me and frankly, I don’t see myself giving in to the impulse again.’

‘My sermon must’ve been boring huh? Anyways, the booth is behind this curtain if you ju-‘

‘No, your sermon was fine. I was born catholic but religiosity doesn’t come naturally to me. That’s the only reason I can’t see myself doing this again.’

‘You and many others I suppose. Follow me this way.’

Erwin did exactly that when the priest started, ‘since I am the priest and you’ve revealed yourself to me, the element of anonymity is no longer present. Don’t know if that bothers you.’ He said it in a way that was questioning, sensitive about how Erwin felt on the matter.

‘It’s fine by me. Besides, you don’t know my name.’

‘You’re not the kind of person who can stay hidden forever. I’d go as far to say you want to make a mark on the world or something. Plus, I can always find out. Of course, I’ll tell you that I won’t proactively do it but you’d have to just take my word for it in that case.’ They reached the confessional booth and stopped to look at one another, eye to eye.The priest had grey orbs for irises. Streaks of black that resembled blades. While gesturing his hands to the booth he asked, ‘do you consent?’ 

Erwin smiled after the man’s tirade. It was as if he didn’t want to listen to his confessions. ‘I consent. Unless you have somewhere else to be.’

‘No, unfortunately I do not. Take a seat.’

He obeyed. The booth was tiny, made of deep mahagony wood. Crouching down to make sure he wouldn’t bump his head against its roof he took a seat, he’s knees cramped. It was dark, with a wooden frame and minuscule diamond shaped carvings that served as a barrier between him and the priest.

‘You’re taller than our usual attendees. Apologies for the cramped space but i’m sure you’ve dealt with worse.’

Erwin grunted. 

‘We can just skip to the part where you lay out your sins and I judge you.’

‘Right.’ Everything had dawned on Erwin then, he was going to try to make it through this and parse through what stirred in the pit of stomach. Drawing a breath, he began.

‘I am a war veteran.’ The priest hummed in agreement, clearly already having guessed it. ‘I served in Iraq as a sergeant and witnessed a calamity beyond my own imagination.’ He paused, thoughtfully. ‘We inflicted pain and suffering in a war that turned out to be based on lie after lie, after lie.’ He shook his head, sick to his stomach by his naïveté. ‘Only understanding this until it was too late. I’ve overseen the slaughter of innocents, and was powerless to stop it.’ Erwin could feel his voice cracking, his tears welling up. ‘Some. Which may as well have been by my own hand.’ A teardrop landed on his thigh, he could feel his throat getting choked up in an attempt to not start balling outright.

‘No matter how many therapy visits I go to, this inescapable fact swallows me whole. I don’t want to run away from it anymore. I should suffer 100 times over if it would see that the Iraqi people live safely again.’ He was rambling at that point and would end it there. The booth fell silent for a beat too long.

‘Priest Levi?’ Looking up from his lap to the stall near him. Nobody was there and quickly turned to the other side to find the priest with his shoulder relaxed against the outside of the booth. His eyes were on Erwin’s face.

Erwin wiped away his tears when he said, ‘this is incredibly unorthodox.’

‘Almost as unorthodox as someone who doesn’t know shit about catholicism asking to partake in a confessional when they barely believe in God.’

Erwin was stunned at first, mouth agape by the intrusion. Then he just laughed.

The priest clapped his hands together almost comically, closing them in a ball and continued just to shut Erwin up. ‘God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of your sins. Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and  I absolve you in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.’ With a wave of his hand he added dismissively, ‘and all that stuff.’

Erwin smiled to himself, looking up to the priest to say, ‘amen, Father.’ He then reached into his pockets to give Erwin tissues. Their fingers brushed along one another, his fingers were nimble and dare he admit, pretty. The millisecond of contact left much to think about for Erwin as he took the tissues from the man’s hand to say, ‘thank you.’

The priest looked out the corner of his eye at Erwin and began walking away then said ‘although I welcome anyone into the ceremonies of our Church, I don’t think this is suited for you. We hold meetings for our veterans that are dealing with guilt and trauma from all the wars our great, big, powerful, big dicked United States of America have waged on other countries. It would do you some good to go to one.’

Just as Erwin was going to speak the priest disappeared.


	5. Grounded

It hadn’t been long after Erwin got back from Maria’s church. Sinking back into his little routine of frantically looking up Iraq war articles on the interwebs. Ocassionally popping his head into the fridge and coming up with nothing substantial then resorting to buying food from the Iraqi restaurant he frequented. And when his mind wandered he’d think of the priest, Levi was his name. An enigmatic personality and a man of seemingly many contradictions. Faithful and kind yet he did not sugarcoat a thing he said nor did he pretend. Erwin couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. This was a priests specialty being the only explanation Erwin believed could justify what he felt. If anything could drag Erwin back to that Church it would be to simply see that priest once more, or twice more or 5 times more if he can. 

For Erwin was no longer living. Merely existing, a shell of who he once was prior to the harsh realities of war that stripped a part of him with every day that went by. Undeservedly coddled by everyone who set in his path, then there was the priest who did no such thing. Treating him like a true equal and not someone to be handled with kiddie gloves, it was now that he felt true empathy. For the first time in what felt like decades Erwin felt excitement and hope and most of all, interest. He would take it in his grasp before the darkest depths of his consciousness inevitably reared it’s ugly head to gnaw on his flesh.

In truth Levi had given him the perfect excuse to turn up to the Church again, and that would be to attend the veterans meeting. It was nothing that Erwin would usually attend as he was not the kind of person to divulge intimate details about his state of mind with strangers but he wasn’t a closed minded person, and by that virtue he would give it a chance.

Embarking on his walk to Maria’s for the second time he attends the meeting of veterans. The Church was deceitfully small because the inside housed many rooms that Erwin wouldn’t have fathom and probably more he hadn’t seen yet. He entered one of the doors left of the stage that Levi delivered his sermon to stumble upon the veterans meeting. There they were gathered in a semi circle, at least 11 people. Erwin retrieved a seat from the chair stack choosing his spot at the beginning or end of the semi circle. In front of them all was also another veteran most likely here to provide the emotional support and lead the group. Sporting an eye patch leaving her other emerald eye open and alert.

Turning her head to see Erwin properly and greeting him. ‘Hello, I’m glad you’re here,’ along with an unbearably soft smile and charming crow’s feet. That was when the entire group also greeted Erwin. ‘Welcome home.’

‘Thank you.’

The meeting had ended, Erwin shared his story as a newbie although the entire thing was not particularly new to him. However, their hospitality was intoxicating admittedly for Erwin even if he continued to lock his feelings up in a cage it felt good to hear others share similar regrets he had. It is morbid to think of it like that but it was the truth for him.

He approached the lovely leading veteran of the evening, Nanaba, to ask if Levi would be delivering his sermon on Friday. To which she replied while stacking the chairs back, ‘Umm, no actually he won’t.’

‘He won’t?’

‘His schedule changes as a priest you see, but I think he will be on the following day around the same time.’

‘Well alright, thanks for letting me know.’ Erwin made his way to leave as the veteran called out.

‘You will come again won’t you, Erwin?’

In her direction Erwin could only nod back. To say anything in return, an affirmative, would betray him and would not be fair to Nanaba either.

******************************************

Saturday morning and Erwin ventured into Maria’s Church to see illuminated sticky arrows placed from the entrance on the ground to a door. The poster up on the door gave information on how every month the Church would feed the homeless. Erwin pushed the door and arched his neck through the gap to see a dining hall with each table arranged neatly to accompany 6-8 people. Looking onwards as he sauntered in there were heads peeping above a countertop, all focused on something else. His purposeful gait carried him to the kitchen where everyone was. Spotting Levi who tended to a large pot on the stove stirring in circles, elbows moving forward and back rhythmically. The waft of spicy chicken soup aroma tickled his senses.

Almost like a sixth sense kicked off, the priest turned his neck just enough to see Erwin. ‘You came, soldier.’

‘I did. And you were expecting me?’

‘Sure, had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to stay away.’ If Erwin didn’t know better he would think the priest was being flirtatious.

‘Make yourself useful and help out with the sandwiches over there.’ The priest pointed with just the purse of his lips to his side at the counter. Erwin recognised faces from the day he attended Levi’s sermon but the group was much smaller than before.

Erwin did what he was told, passing on the different condiments that were to be added to the sandwiches as well as creating them from scratch. The bread, spread butter, ham and turkey slices. Maybe with some chilli or mayo. The innards changed with every sandwich. It was hard with one arm, everything was generally harder with the one arm but it didn’t stop Erwin from moving like he once did.

When they finished the main bulk of preparing sandwiches the group reduced greatly leaving just him, the priest and 2 others. Levi cleaning the plates in the sink muttered, ‘those fucking brats, leaving the dirty work to the rest of us. Next time I set my eyes on them I -‘

One of the two others interrupted Levi as they stopped sweeping hesitating, ‘priest Levi? We - we didn’t leave. Will we also feel the wrath of God?’

‘Depends on how i’m feeling. Get back to work and MAYBE I will ask for forgiveness on your behalf.’

Immediately they resumed sweeping again.

To lighten up the priest’s mood a bit Erwin said, ‘I’m sure all this cooking must have made you hungry by now, Father.’

The priest looked up from his dishes but not to look at Erwin, staring directly in front of him as he sighed heavily. ‘I’m starving.’

‘What would you like me to get you?’

Levi faced Erwin this time with his washing up gloves on covered in soap suds, he grasped the edge of the the sink, ‘there’s a Subway on the main road. If you could get me the italian BMT.’

Erwin strolled through the high street in chilly November. Erwin is well acquainted with the place and it’s many stores. He went to the Iraqi restaurant he ordered from whenever a homemade meal was out of his reach which was often. He knew the people here and they knew him, insistent to give discounts and Erwin always ready to decline. Erwin bought the usual small portion of takeaway quzi he’d get and a serving of scorching noomi basra in a plastic cup. Not forgetting to buy Levi his subway.

Erwin made his trek back to the Church in which he found Levi sitting in a pew his arm lax on the back of it. The tapping of his nails chimed. As Erwin came closer the serenity on Levi’s side profile caused a calm to wash over his own extremities, the man’s eyes shut he said, ‘made it in time. Just finished cleaning up and told those youngins to fuck off.’

‘I’m sure you did.’ Erwin chuckled while Levi stretched out his arm from the back of the pew to take his food as Erwin handed it to him. 

‘Thanks.’

Erwin sat in the empty space next to the priest as the bags of food rustled in both their laps to get the food out. From the corner of his eye he looked to see Erwin bringing a spoonful of rice to his mouth and asked ‘so, when did you develop a thing for mediterranean food? Or would you have had the opportunity to binge while you served in Iraq?’

‘Not really. Of course, I’m familiar with falafel, kebab and so on but authentic Iraqi food. I guess....’ Erwin’s sentence faded away upon the realisation of how pathetic he would sound, how pathetic he believed himself to be.

‘Go on, you already started. Might as well finish the thought.’ Levi’s mouth muffled his voice as he took another satisfied bite of his sandwich.

‘I guess I’m useless in virtually every other way.’ He paused to swallow down his food. ‘This is how I can give back. I suppose.’

Just as Levi opened his mouth to reply Erwin stopped the man in his tracks, he didn’t want a response. He wouldn’t allow the priest to indulge in what he thought was an unfortunate display of self pity.

‘So those kids, but not really kids. Who are they?’

‘Rehabilitation.’

‘Rehabilitation?’

‘Juveniles with potential and given a second chance.’

‘How did you discover them?’

‘Through our mangled system, where else? They were set on a dark path and like me, they discovered the love of our lord and sought redemption.’

Erwin wanted to ask further, but avoided the urge to pry. That was when he was taken aback as the priest continued, ‘I am proud of those assholes. They make me talk more than I’d like to but, they try hard. That’s all I can ask of them.’

‘They’re lucky to have you as their priest.’

Levi looked at Erwin to give him a genuine, but evasive smile. One that you wouldn’t catch if you weren’t so near to him. They finished their food, lounging in the vast yet comforting emptiness of the Church for a couple of minutes when Erwin remembered.

‘Oh, I got this delicious tea that I think you’ll enjoy.’

‘Really? Better not be wrong then.’

Erwin searched eagerly in the bag close to his feet to get the tea from its cup holder. Handing it over to Levi, ‘it’s called noomi basra. Careful it’s hot. Made from dried limes, but it’s sweet. One of the few good remnants I have from Iraq, maybe the only.’

The priest put his lips onto the frame of the cup as he took off the lid after blowing away most of the heat. The vapours of lime and honey made Erwins mind drift when a level of confusion began to set in its stead. He watched the other man absently, registering his surroundings that were feeling unreal. He, felt unreal.

‘Mmm. It’s not bad, soldier.’ He didn’t respond. Levi looked up from his cup to Erwin whose eyes were flitting back and forth slowly, then up to the humble ceiling chandeliers, scanning the room as though he had no clue where he was or how he got there.

‘Hey.’He still hadn’t snapped out of it, looking at Levi but past him all at once. ‘I’m right here mister. Are you all right?’

He rubbed his eyes, the discomfort hadn’t waned and his identity fragmented at best. Answering the man while still rubbing his eyes and grumbled, ‘I’m dissociating.’

Levi nodded his head in acknowledgment, he didn’t know if Erwin felt him nod as a short quiet fell between them and he broke it. ‘Do you mind being touched?’ Erwin shook his head to as a no. Looking below at the ground beneath him and not feeling that it was sufficient he audibly gave ‘no.’

‘Give me a moment will you.’ Levi hurriedly collected both their trash to dispose of it in the bin outside the entrance of the Church. Re-entering he could see Erwin’s back still hunched over which was a shame because he had a very nice build that he was slightly envious of. He made his way back and rooted himself in front of Erwin who did not lift up his head only to get a view of the swirls of thick blonde waves. Delicately, taking his hand to grip Erwin’s shoulder massaging it in his palms. He then cradled Erwin’s head towards his stomach and chest. Erwin let out a sigh and the warmth could be felt on Levi’s skin even with the clothes on. He brushed the man’s hair back watching it fall back to where it was with ease.That was when Erwin hugged Levi’s waist to bring it closer. Erwin dwarfed him in comparison, the way his arm was able to wrap around him almost wholly clarified it in the priest’s head.

Erwin laid his cheek flat into the priest’s belly. The faint rise and depression moved him as well, the episodic thump of Levi’s heart travelled in his ear. The dissociation teetered off a while ago but they stayed like that for long after because Erwin could not bring himself to break what was going on until he recalled Levi was probably tired from standing so long.

‘Priest Levi, thank -‘

‘Shh,’ with both his hands he tilted Erwins jaw upwards to him so they could look at each other. ‘The tea was amazing.’


End file.
